The Imperative of the Extended Family

by David E. Moss

When the government decided to do away with one room school houses back in the early to mid twentieth century, they created a destructive phenomenon in American culture. They began isolating young people into very narrow peer groups away from interaction with those of varying ages and levels of maturity. The result was a conditioning of young people to exclude other generations from their sphere of influence. Throughout the 1950’s and 1960’s, the youth culture exploded in the United States and a new philosophy of life began to take over. It included such slogans as “Don’t trust anyone over 30,” “Do whatever feels good,” and “Be anti-establishment.” The “hippy” movement, dominated by lasciviousness, changed American culture forever.

Unfortunately, instead of standing firm as an alternative to this madness, the church followed the pattern of the world and adopted the youth culture mentality as an emphasis for its approach to ministry and activity. Mass youth ministry programs kept young people separated from mature Christian adults, and as a result, a whole generation of young people never saw adults worship. When those young people became biological adults, they then dropped out of church in large numbers. Churches then changed their worship styles to re-attract the young people to the church services. But then the young people were separated again as churches provided a “traditional service” to accommodate the older folks and a “contemporary service” for the young and the hip. The GENERATION GAP became a reality, not because one actually exists in a sane society or church fellowship, but because it was created by the actions of those who believed in the “virtues” of separating people by age groups.

There is a case to be made from the Bible, however, that this trend should be reversed. The Biblical contention is this: that we ought to provide for intergenerational interaction both in the family and in the church.

There is an Extended Family Beyond the “Four Walls” of the Immediate Household.

God pronounces His blessing on the extended family. First, He declares that each generation should establish its own unique household.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

But then He affirms that it is a blessing to be able to see your grandchildren.

Yea, thou shalt see thy children’s children, and peace upon Israel. Psalm 128:6

God also indicates the value of children is to succeeding generations.

Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers. Proverbs 17:6

Unfortunately, many families in our modern world are divided by geography. With the ease of relocation in our travel wealthy culture, some grandchildren seldom, if ever, are able to visit with their grandparents.

In other cases, families may be divided along the lines of faith. In Luke 12:51-53, Jesus testified that one result of his coming would be the division of families because some would believe and some would not. This can put a strain on family relationships to the extent that some grandchildren may be separated from their grandparents to guard them from the influence of either faith or faithlesness.

We need properly functioning families, though, to establish a model for the church because according to the Bible the family structure is supposed to be a picture of how the church is to function internally. Jesus said that His “mother” and “brethren” were those who heard the Word of God and do it (Luke 8:21). This concept was carried over into the church as indicated from relationships like that between Paul and Timothy. In 1 Timothy 1:2, Paul referred to Timothy as “my own son.” There is no indication that Paul and Timothy had any biological relationship. It is clear, that the relationship to which Paul referred in 1 Timothy 1:2 was spiritual in nature, because he qualified it by saying “my own son in the faith.” The biological family relationship was the model Paul used to describe his relationship with Timothy on a spiritual level. Further evidence of this being carried over into the church comes from 1 Timothy 5:1-2 where we are encouraged in the context of the church fellowship to treat elder men as fathers, elder women as mothers, younger men as brothers, and younger women as sisters. The biological family must be functioning properly in society as a model for the church so that the relationships of believers can be developed along those same lines albeit within a spiritual family unit.

One of the benefits of this is then that the spiritual family unit of the local church can fill the gap when the biological family structure is not available for one reason or another. If an individual comes from a dysfuntional or non-existent family structure at home, he may find within the church those persons who can fill the roles of father, mother, brother, and sister. If a young family, an older couple, a college student, a job transferee, or anyone else is separated geographically from their extended family members, the church can provide substitute grandparents, grandchildren, uncles, or cousins to meet the familial needs of each one.

Whether biological or spiritual extended family members, it is imperative that we see the value of the influence of different generations upon each other. Let us consider why.

The Perpetuation of Faith

Imagine what life would be like if there were no schools and no education. No adults would serve as teachers, no one would pass on to younger people what they have learned. Each generation would be left to start from scratch and learn for itself whatever it could. Life
would be very primitive wouldn’t it?

Imagine then what it would be like if no believer ever told another person about their faith. The thought is absurd isn’t it? If then, it is imperative for believers to pass on the testimony of their faith to others, what is the best context in which to do that? God says that intergenerational interaction is certainly one excellent context to do so.

One generation shall praise thy works to another, and shall declare thy mighty acts… They shall abundantly utter the memory of thy great goodness, and shall sing of thy righteousness. Psalm 145:4 and 7

In fact, God says that mature adults should provide things which will arouse their grandchildren’s curiosity about what He has done for them. For example, in Joshua 4:5-7, God instructed the Israelites to take 12 stones from the middle of the dry Jordan river bed as they crossed it into the promised land. They were then to set up these stones as a memorial to God’s miraculous provision. This memorial would then be a vehicle by which fathers of future generations could testify to their children of the greatness of God when the children see it and are curious about its meaning.

It is a mistake to expect each generation to learn about faith completely on its own. The testimony of one generation to the next is a definite concept taught in the Bible and with good reason. Take for example the spiritual heritage of young Timothy. The faith exhibited in his life first dwelt in his grandmother Lois, and in his mother Eunice (2 Timothy 1:5). It would certainly have been possible for Timothy to find faith without the influence of his mother and grandmother. But it was easier with that influence. When you travel from one place to another, it is possible to find your way without road signs; but it is a lot easier if road signs point your way. Older believers must see their faith testimonies as road signs for young people which point them in the way of the Saviour and in the way of the will of God for their lives.

Discipleship is A Family Matter

This leads us to another matter: that of discipleship. God is emphatic in His Word about the necessity of training those who will be able to carry on the work of the ministry after us. In 2 Timothy 2:2 He said through Paul, And the things that thou hast heard of me among many witnesses, the same commit thou to faithful men, who shall be able to teach others also. Then in Titus 2:2-6, He gave more specific instruction, putting discipleship training in the context of intergenerational interaction and related it to some aspects of the home and family. Mature men and women are to set examples of godly character (verse 2): That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience; and (verse 3) The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things. Mature women are then to teach younger women (verse 4-5) That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. And mature men should exhort the young men (verse 6) to be sober minded.

What better place to facilitate such teaching than in the context of the home and family. Fathers and mothers should be those mature examples to their children and instruct them in the way they should go.

But the church must also provide for such intergenerational interaction so that the younger folks, whether children, teens, or young adults might have the necessary resources in the testimonies of older adults as to how to develop their lives to the glory of Christ. If the church keeps each age group and each specialized segment of the body of Christ separated into their own unique program, such interaction will never take place, and something vitally important will be missing in the church. The church and the home should work together in providing younger people with the opportunity to interact with those from whom they may learn many life lessons and spiritual applications.

The Value of Older Adults

Thus we must recognize the value of older adults both in the home and in the church. Children need to have an active relationship with their parents. They also need to have an active relationship with their grandparents. In fact, a few aunts and uncles and some cousins of various ages would also be helpful for the full development of their minds and hearts. If biological family members are not available, the church should be seen as a valuable resource for substitute extended family members of all age levels, especially of those who are older than your children who can provide examples and patterns for them to follow.

Those whom we call “senior citizens” are especially revered in Scripture as worthy of our respect and attention. For one thing, they have the potential of directing the hearts of younger folks to the reverential fear of God. Leviticus 19:32 says, Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD. This verse tells us that as we show respect toward an older person, we will be facing the direction of fearing the Lord, probably because that is what we will see in the man to whom we are showing respect. The hoary head and the old man represent to younger generations the fulness of human experience. As such, those who are younger can benefit tremendously by learning from his experience and testimony of faith.

There is, in fact, no substitute for experience. Young people may be very intelligent and knowledgeable about many things, but wisdom comes from experience and according to the Bible that belongs to those of a mature age. Job 12:12 says, With the ancient is wisdom; and in length of days understanding. Consider the example of Rehoboam, who refused to listen to his father’s older counselors who were much more experienced than his own young advisors (1 Kings 12 6-9). Rehobaom chose the whims of his young men over the advice of the older and wiser men and this failure proved to be disastrous for his kingdom.

Of course, there is a qualification for the value of the example and wisdom of older adults. Elihu, in the book of Job, addressed Job’s three friends and expressed his dismay at their poor advice to Job. He said, I am young, and ye are very old; wherefore I was afraid, and durst not shew you mine opinion. I said, Days should speak and multitude of years should teach wisdom. But there is a spirit in man: and the inspiration of the Almighty giveth them understanding. Great men are not always wise: neither do the aged understand judgment (Job 32:6-9). There is nothing more disappointing than older men failing in wisdom. But, of course, wisdom does not come just from age, but, as Elihu indicated, it comes most importantly from the inspiration of the Almighty. Thus Proverbs 16:31 says, The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of righteousness.

The Work of Older Adults

Personal growth never ends and those who grow older have the potential to grow ever wiser. II Corinthians 4:16 says that though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. The human body may grow frail, but the person within may continue to grow ever stronger in the Lord. Thus productivity is a very real possibility for older adults, including those whose bodies have become limited in their mobility. For Psalm 92:14 says, They shall still bring forth fruit in old age.

Older adults can show younger folks that God is trustworthy. In the verse just mentioned above, the full text says, They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing. The next verse, verse 15, tells us why they shall be fat and flourishing. It is to shew that the LORD is upright: he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him. David bore this kind of testimony into his old age and was not bashful about talking of it. In Psalm 37:23-26 he said, The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. He is ever merciful, and lendeth; and his seed is blessed. And again in Psalm 71:17-18 he said, O God, thou hast taught me from my youth: and hitherto have I declared thy wondrous works. Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come.

Older adults can also testify to the truthfulness of what we believe. In his old age, Peter wrote to believers who were well informed about the truth. At least some of what he wrote to them was not new, but were a reminder of things they already knew. He wrote them anyway in order to reinforce them and to verify their truthfulness. In 2 Peter 1:12-15 he said, Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth. Yea, I think it meet, as long as I am in this tabernacle, to stir you up by putting you in remembrance; Knowing that shortly I must put off this my tabernacle, even as our Lord Jesus Christ hath shewed me. Moreover I will endeavour that ye may be able after my decease to have these things always in remembrance.

Conclusion

The foundation of a growing church will not be lots of young people who overwhelm the older folks. In a church dominated by young people and young Christian adults, the examples of older, more mature Christians will be in too short a supply to have a sufficient impact upon those who need it. Rather, the foundation of a growing church will be a sufficient supply of older, mature adults whose testimony and example can mark the path for young people to follow.

When I was a young father, my day off was Friday. This was back in the days when gas was much cheaper, and for fun, we as a family would hop in our car and drive around exploring. It seemed that almost every time we did this, I would drive into some kind of situation that caused us to drive in a circle. Of course, I would never stop and ask directions. I had to find the way out myself. It became a family joke that on Fridays we drove around in circles. I give this little illustration to say that young people should not live their lives by driving around in circles without stopping to ask for directions. They should seek direction for their lives from older adults who have already passed by that way.

At the same time, there is an important word of advice for older folks. That is, don’t be content just to have been on the road a long time. Make sure that you have made progress in the process of traveling through time. Develop in your life an example and testimony of godliness and faithfulness so that you may say to younger folks who look to you, Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ (I Corinthians 11:1).

For these things to happen, there must be an interaction between the generations. In the home and in the church, we must understand the value of the extended family, and provide opportunities for the whole family to mingle together.